Wow! It was really hard to actually type that title! This is the topic of THIS conversation. Why as a woman do I feel the need to diminish my being, my essence? Well, I am on a search to find out, and to remedy that!
I just returned from a seminar with my beloved teacher, Barbara DeAngelis. It was called the Goddess Seminar. It was just for women (of course) and was the most powerful experience I have ever had in regards to making life transforming spiritual and emotional shifts. Barbara talked with us about the magic of the feminine energy, that which births everything. It is the source of our creativity and our power as women. I am not talking about power in the way of clenching your fists and “holding your own” or being able to control everything and everyone in your life. This power is something I have spent most of my life trying to avoid. It is soft. It is gentle. It is loving. It is TRUE POWER.
I am looking around, at my family and my community, and society in general. I notice that many women are doing this. I call it “dumbing down their femininity”. It’s like when I go to my mother’s house and she grabs the neckline of my top and pulls it up toward my neck. Now, it isn’t that my breasts are actually hanging out. It just isn’t comfortable to her for me to show that I have them. And I am finally noticing that this is the kind of message I have been getting all my life, from different sources.
I realized while at the Goddess Seminar that I have never completely embraced my feminine energy, my Goddess-ness. To me, claiming ownership of an “Inner-Goddess” was all about sex and a woman using that to have power over men. It felt dirty. It felt harsh. It didn’t seem fair or kind. It felt like a game.
I remember putting on dresses when I was a little girl and the first thing I would always do was to spin around and around. I wanted to see how “spinny” it was 
It was the best if it went all the way out to the side in all directions! I loved it! But at some stage of my formative years, I gave up the dress, and actually disowned it, for other less girlie alternatives. Why did I do that? Well, I was taught that I was an “object” and that when I “fix myself up”, the primary goal was to get the attention of a boy/man. I rebelled against this idea. Each time I got dressed up and put on makeup, I felt like I was doing it for someone else. It wasn’t for me. So, I got resentful, and I hated the fact that I was spending the time preparing myself to impress others when I could be doing something else that I enjoyed. Twisted, eh? (No, I am not Canadian 
)
All through my adolescence, for the most part, I avoided wearing makeup. Unless it was a special occasion or picture day. LOL Occasionally, my mother would say to me as I walked out the door, “Becky, how about some blush?” I shunned her comments and left with my fresh, clean makeup-free face, and damned to hell anyone else who might have a problem with it. This was my fight. The problem is that I never saw it as a fight. I thought I was being natural and believed that I was merely annoyed with the whole putting it on/taking it off procedure. I was lying to myself. When I wore makeup, I felt prettier. When I dressed up, I felt good about myself. GOD FORBID I DO THAT EVERYDAY!!! I cannot tell you how many times I would put on really pretty clothes and then take them off because of the thought that I needed to save them for something more special. Ugh!
Well, what is more special than being a girl? I am learning that there isn’t much. Maybe nothing. I will get back to you on that. In the meantime, I have decided to claim my womanhood, my feminine nature, my divine Goddess energy. I will wear the beautiful clothes that hang in my closet, even when there isn’t anywhere to go. I will use all of my gorgeous shoes that are lined up on the shelf that watch me leave in flip-flops every day. And I will wear makeup!!!
Being in this energy, to me, is to recognize that I carry a powerful nature, given to me by God, or whatever you call God. It is motherly but also sexy. It is powerful in its ability to be gentle and loving. It is truly beautiful. And, it is so much fun! I call all women to join my on this journey of reclaiming that which makes us who we are, and also connects us with one another. By honoring the Goddess in me, I honor the Goddess in all of us.
Let’s put on our dresses again, and SPIN!!!
With Love.
